What sorts of things make you feel guilty? Taking two trips through the one-plate-only buffet? Raising your voice with the rep on the phone? Cutting someone off in traffic? How does guilt show up for you? What happens when your conscience is ‘pricked?’
According to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy, Guilt would be considered a manager part. A quick IFS refresher here: there are two types of managers (proactive or reactive), but all managers try to protect us (although how they are protecting may not be readily apparent). And then there are the exiles – the hurt, wounded parts of us, and of course there is Self. Self is not a part, but rather our truest essence or highest consciousness – the whole of us.
But back to Guilt… When I’ve done something less than honorable, Guilt wants me to recognize what I’ve done wrong, so I won’t do it again. Ultimately Guilt’s protective intention is for me to live harmoniously within my community of people.
Complex PTSD (CPTSD) survivors (those who experienced ongoing trauma during childhood) are well-versed in guilt. Growing up, guilt may have been pushed as a way of control, thereby leading to a guilt complex – where we feel guilty even when we’ve done nothing wrong. CPTSD survivors are often well-versed in shame, too.
So, what is the difference between guilt and shame?
With guilt, we are separate from our wrongdoings. We can see that we did something wrong, and we can own it. Guilt says:
Afterall, we are human, we all make mistakes – make your amends, and it’ll be okay.
So, what about shame?
Rather than having separation from our misdeeds, shame tells us instead that we are the issue – that we are bad, defective, worthless, unlovable. Shame isolates and alienates us from others. Shame is a dehumanizing self-loathing. When fully engulfed in shame, we may feel so defective that we are without hope.
Shame parts are stuck in trauma and react as if we were 2, 7, or maybe 11 years old. While the shame part believes it’s protecting us, it’s misguided and can inflict a lot of emotional pain and damage within. Self-loathing is unbearable and with that sense, we may have an urge to repress, numb, dissociate, bury, or to try to get rid of the shame. But we don’t and can’t get rid of our parts. In fact, when we try to get rid of our parts, they just get louder and more protective, escalating the damage.
It may seem counterintuitive, but when we listen to our shamed parts and when they feel fully heard and understood, these parts soften. Once softened, they can be updated to the present. When reoriented in this way, we will see that there is nothing wrong with us, that we are not defective or worthless and that we do belong. These parts just need to be heard.
It may be scary at first to think about listening to and being open to hearing our shame. Afterall, we’ve been trying to ignore, or repress it. But when we pass this hurdle and begin the dialogue with shame, we will find that shame’s intention is all about protection. Shame cares about us! Through the dialogue, shame will begin to see and understand that its current strategy is ineffective. When shame understands this, most likely, it will begin to see that updating or taking on a new role makes sense. And with shame’s new role, harmony and wholeness will be restored to our system, where we will find acceptance of Self.
