A recent scroll on Instagram reveals a popular theme: “The hypocritical narcissist,” “Getting past a narcissist,” and “Early signs of a narcissist.”
Oh, those people, I automatically think to myself, and images of specific individuals suddenly appear in my head. Clients, too, bring up difficult experiences with those they label as narcissists in their lives – spouses, parents, supervisors, etc. Maybe you find yourself lumping people into the narcissist category.
For sure, there are people out there that can and do inflict a lot of pain and damage. And of course, it’s important to recognize and protect ourselves from those who make us feel unsafe, whether physically or emotionally, whether by a ‘narcissist’ or anyone. For those of us who had childhood trauma (CPTSD), it’s especially important to make sure that we have clarity about our own safety and that we have healthy boundaries in place for protection. We don’t ever need to subject ourselves to people who make us feel unsafe.
But back to narcissists… who are they? The 5th Edition of The Manual for Mental Health Disorders (the DSM5) explains the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): having an exaggerated sense of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, a sense of entitlement, arrogance, a lack of empathy for others.
When I read these criteria, once more I recount the many ways these ‘NPD people’ in my life have hurt me. And my judgmental part kicks in with, Oh, those people! In Red Bike Blog, we often discuss CPTSD and often do that in relationship to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy created by Dick Schwartz. We talk about the various parts of ourselves (such as the judge, perfectionist, wounded child, etc.).
So, if we break down NPD into parts, we can easily see them – the entitled part, the part that lacks empathy, the part that needs admiration, etc. There are no bad parts, and we don’t or can’t get rid of parts – even in the case of NPD. So, what about these parts? They are manager parts, just like my judgmental part that judges individuals with NPD, right? To work with any part requires compassion. Judgment is the opposite of compassion. When NPD parts feel judged, they will harden, but when they feel seen, heard, and understood, they soften. Once softened, these parts will likely realize their current strategy may not be serving the system as intended.
Maybe those with an NPD diagnosis, have manager parts that are more extreme, but they are still just parts. I’m going to be bold here and say… a diagnosis is just a diagnosis. What I mean by that is the DSM5 is nearly 1,000 pages full of hundreds of diagnoses. When we look at criteria to form almost any diagnosis, the criteria are mainly trauma symptoms. Yes, there are some diagnoses that are organic in nature, but mostly diagnoses are based on symptoms of trauma. Trauma is what happened to us, not what is wrong with us. We can say the same with those with NPD. It’s not so much that there is something wrong with them…
but rather it is about what happened to them.
And back to Instagram… I wonder if all this talk about narcissism and narcissistic people has more to do with preventing us from looking at ourselves. When we label others and keep our focus on them, we don’t have to look at ourselves. It’s hard work to look at ourselves… but that is where the healing lies.
Maybe next time I feel like lumping someone in the Narcissistic category, I’ll think twice. Maybe I’ll remember some of my own extreme parts. Maybe I’ll remember that other fellow human beings have also traveled a difficult road. While keeping myself safe, rather than judging, lumping, and labeling – maybe, just maybe I’ll reach for compassion and understanding instead.
