Preface: Parenting is the most difficult job in the world and in this blog, we are not judging or blaming parents. But rather the goals of this blog are to: 1) point out how confusing, and damaging CPTSD is; 2) help demystify CPTSD; and 3) help bring about healing to affected individuals and to the greater world. We honor our parents by healing our wounds.
The wounds of exiles (the hurt, wounded parts of us according to Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems model), may come in the form of big “T” trauma or little “t” trauma. Big “T” trauma is a one-time event, like an accident or a catastrophic occurrence such as an earthquake. Little “t” trauma, on the other hand, is explained as ongoing trauma, and is called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or CPTSD. CPTSD is normally considered developmental – the stuff that happens while we are growing during developmental stages.
Big T trauma is easy to understand. If we’ve been in a car accident or an earthquake, there is little chance of denying what has happened as these are obvious traumas. The world around us likely acknowledges what’s happened, providing further validation. Emergency responders provide more corroboration. This external validation keeps us in truth.
On the other hand, it may take years to understand the truth of complex trauma because it is very complicated. To begin with, CPTSD may include outright sexual or physical abuse, but also may involve more subtle, but no less damaging forms of abuse, such as emotional or mental abuse or neglect.
Reasons that contribute to the inability to recognize this form of trauma:
- The ongoing abuse is not discussed.
- There may be threats to keep the abuse secret.
- There may be no physical evidence of the abuse.
- There may be no witnesses to validate what happened.
- As children, we don’t have the intellectual capacity to understand what happened and we must figure it out in isolation. With abuse or neglect from caretakers, the very people entrusted to keep us safe – who do we turn to? We are left to internalize the abuse.
- A further complication is that we may feel a sense of allegiance or even compassion to/for the abusers and therefore we may become protective of the abusers.
- The reality is that it may hurt too much to admit the truth – that our caretakers are abusive or neglectful. In naming the truth, it may feel as if we are walking all over sacred ground.
So, we turn away from truth and we are left with the sense that we are wrong or bad, inadequate, defective, shameful.
CPTSD is the proverbial elephant in the living room. Household members take great care to walk all the way around the elephant every day, without ever mentioning it. Children in this household quietly live out their childhood in fear and shame.
In such a household, there is no freedom for creativity – and creativity is the very capacity that allows children to thrive. The elephant takes away any clarity, and displaces any hope for connectedness or compassion, and does not instill any sense of confidence, or courage. Notice the “C” words here and remember they are the capacities of Self (click here for more information about IFS ). So, in order to survive this household, we become many false selves (overachievers, people-pleasers, perfectionists, etc.). These parts helped us endure the trauma, but they have displaced authentic Self.
With Internal Family Systems, we have reason for great hope. IFS provides necessary tools to recognize and deal with the elephant in the room, recognize related parts that adapted because of the trauma, and recover our authentic Self.
We can uncover the truth and begin to live in truth.
