A faint butterfly shows up in my stomach when I glance at my weekly calendar and notice Ted-Caroline-Zoom meeting, Wednesday, 9:00 a.m. A Tuesday morning calendar check triggers butterflies again. In the back of my mind, it registers that I’m a bit nervous about this upcoming meeting, but I don’t pay much attention to it as I have been meeting regularly with Ted and Caroline for some time. On Wednesday morning, at 8:55 a.m., I sign into Zoom for our meeting. But by 9:10 a.m., my Zoom window is still empty. Butterflies are big now.
As I’m waiting, I decide to go toward the butterflies, because now I’m aware that it’s a part of me that is trying to talk to me – Anxiety. At first, I try to reason with Anxiety, telling it that Ted and Caroline are likely just late or that we didn’t get the time zones right, again. But, as I wait, Anxiety relates what it is fearful of: being on the outside. As I listen to Anxiety, I get drawn in, and begin to blend with it, taking on its perception. Just then, Caroline’s face pops up on the screen. I feel some relief, but Anxiety is still piping up in the background. Caroline and I catch up, but it looks like Ted is not going to show. Anxiety says, see, I told you so.
Finally, 45 minutes later, Ted shows up. Ted on Central Time, says, he got the time zone confused. Ted, Caroline, and I catch up for the next 15 minutes until Caroline needs to leave for another meeting. Now, Ted and I are zooming alone. I have enough Self-energy to realize that I have a choice: either I can ignore Anxiety, pretending that all is well, or I can expose my heart, and reveal my anxiety to Ted. And this is what I choose. From somewhere, I muster the courage to tell Ted that a part of me is fearful of being an outsider, and fearful of his abandonment. Ted does nothing to reassure me that he is not abandoning me. Nor does he reassure me that I have value.
Instead, Ted helps me connect with the fear-of-abandonment part, my Exile – the part that Anxiety has been protecting. With Ted’s care and the care of my core Self, we listen to Exile’s wounds. Ted affirms with Exile that what she is experiencing is a primal fear – this fear of being on the outside. Ted, speaking softly, relates more about primal fear – how thousands of years ago, to be on the outside, away from the group or tribe, likely meant annihilation… a certain death. And that is why to be on the ‘outside’ seems so scary and anxiety-provoking for us humans, to this day. Exile absorbs every word that Ted says. These words feel sacred to Exile’s ears. Exile takes it in and begins to see that these words don’t just apply to her but can be applied to every living human being. Exile now at peace, has new understanding, that it isn’t just her – that Fear of abandonment is universal.
End Note: I met Ted and Caroline in Level 1 Internal Family Systems training a few years back. I look forward to our regular meetings and even though we don’t always get the time zone right.
