A thick frost and some snow covers the ground and rocky outcrops on this quiet November morning and the full moon is setting behind the rose-colored cliffs of the Colorado National Monument. Walking this time of day/year is challenging – the frost, the cold, the ice, the layers of clothing. But it’s a great way to start the day – serene and beautiful!
As I’m heading west, toward the setting moon, a frightened little cottontail hears me or sees me and quickly flees. Then it stops in its tracks and freezes. Then it flees again. Poor thing can’t decide what’s safer, fleeing or freezing. One way or the other, the little cottontail sees me as a threat and goes into the hot nervous system.
You’ve experienced your own fight or flight response, and maybe you’ve experienced the lesser-known freeze mode like the cottontail shows us. There’s yet another nervous system response you may be unaware of and that is fawning. For many of us with Complex PTSD (CPTSD), fawning is so second nature to us, that we are unaware that we fawn.
Fawning looks like appeasing, conforming, placating, cowering, flattering, and self-diminishing. In other words, fawning is people-pleasing. People-pleasing may have developed early on as means of navigating situations that felt threatening. Now, in the present, even though we may not feel that threat anymore, our People-Pleaser parts have been conditioned to please and they go on as normal, pleasing others. In fact, not pleasing others may seem so completely foreign to us that prioritizing our own needs over the needs/comfort of others seems incomprehensible.
People-pleasing parts are incredibly hard working and bend over backwards for everyone but ourselves. Many of us may even see our self-worth through our people-pleasing – we want to be seen as “nice.” But in our people-pleasing, we give up who we are, what we stand for, what we think, and how we feel. Yes, – our people-pleasing parts are most likely getting in the way of our own authenticity.
The full moon is now hidden behind the western cliffs and the sun is emerging on the other side of the valley. It’s a new day and I’m curious about this hard-working, people-pleaser part of mine. Maybe you’re curious about yours.
Footnote: A quick refresher in Internal Family Systems (IFS): In IFS, there are exiles, protectors, and Self. Exiles are the wounded and vulnerable parts of us that carry emotional pain, trauma, or unresolved experiences. The protector parts take on a protective role to prevent the exiles from being triggered. And Self is our truest essence and inner wisdom. Self is fundamentally whole, compassionate, and wise.
