I used to often find myself in a frenzied mode, working tirelessly to accomplish some overzealous agenda. It was as if my sole reason for living was to accomplish as much as I possibly could. I worked like that for years – that is until I recognized that it wasn’t me that was driving the ‘bus,’ so to speak.
So, who was driving the bus? As it turns out, it was a highly skilled part of me, what is called a Self-Like Part. This part felt like Self, and thought it was Self, but it was not Self. I call this part of me my Work Horse. Work Horse was ambitious, and followed through to produce, generate, create, construct, whatever was assigned to her.
In this blog, we we’ll lean into Self-Like parts, but first, a quick review of the Internal Family Systems model:
Recall that there are Exiles, Protectors, and Self.
Exiles are the hurt wounded parts (i.e., the Inner Wounded Child).
Protectors protect the exiles and there are two sorts of protectors – proactive managers and reactive managers. The proactive managers protect us by making sure we are doing what we need to do and include parts like the Inner Critic, the People-pleaser, and others that do very practical chores like paying bills, etc. Reactive managers (aka fire-fighters) protect us in a different way. They just react and don’t care about the consequences of their actions. They like to put out emotional pain and they do so in various ways, often through addictions. Fire-fighters are distinctive and blog-worthy for a later time
Self is our Inner Elder, our truest essence, and when we have enough self-energy, we have access to the 8 C’s of Self: calm, courage, confidence, curiosity, connectedness, clarity, creativity, and compassion.
But today, our focus is on Self-Like parts. They fall under the Proactive Manager category. Again, Self-like parts are highly skilled and believe that they are Self. They are subtle and difficult to find because they seem so self-like.
SELF
We know we are in Self or at least have enough Self-energy when:
We are aware of being in the present moment
Our hearts are open
We feel compassion from our heart
We have a clear mind
We have a sense of ease
SELF-LIKE
We are likely blended with a Self-Like Part when:
Our curiosity comes from our head (versus our heart)
We feel a sense of urgency
We have an agenda
Our heart feels closed
We feel empathy versus compassion
Self-like parts are incredibly hard working, and they want the very best for us, but sometimes they get in the way. Take for example, my Work Horse. I value her and she has done a great job of producing. But that part of me doesn’t necessarily take into consideration how other people feel. So, when Work Horse drives the bus, she is known to accidentally walk over people because she only had one objective in mind and that wasn’t necessarily to be kind and gracious.
Just like other parts, Self-Like Parts love to feel appreciated. This is the first step in working with parts. Once they know we are not out to get rid of them, and they feel appreciated, we can start establishing a relationship with them. Once we have a relationship with our parts, we can work with them. Parts can caution us, advise us, and help us. Self can consider the advice, the cautions, and take the help, but ultimately, we want Self to drive that the bus!
Just so you know, Work Horse is semi-retired. She doesn’t drive the bus anymore, but whenever I have a project to do, she gallops into gear.
#ifs #cptsd #trauma
Who is driving your bus?
